Just found something i typed up awhile ago...
On December 24, 2010 the only life I new was starting to change. As I took a shower that morning my hair started falling out, while i was washing my hair. Huge clumps would drop on the wet floor of the shower. The drain started clogging, my heart dropped, its coming, the day i have been worried about for my whole life. I cried.
I welcome you to read a part of my life, with warning. The feelings I have felt while in this process aren't the easiest to read.
Going back to school was the first step. What were people going to think about me? I had very short thin hair when I left for winter break, now i'm wearing hats with bangs. Hats are not allowed on campus. I only had a little bit of hair left on my head with an exception of the bangs, that were so kind to stay until i was comfortable, or just fed up with slowly watching my hair fall out. The hardest thing was the process, waking up in the morning, this wasn't a dream, my hair was falling out, there is no cure, and if i didn't have cancer, i'd be ok. It wasn't that big of a deal. I'm not dying. We shaved off the bangs and went wig shopping. I try not to remember what happened during all of this. I have found its better for me to express myself. Wearing the wig was itchy and uncomfortable. People didn't know me. They didn't know what i had been through and if they did no one would ever understand.
Attention comes and goes in spirts. It helps with the grieving to tell my story, to ones who listen.
I've always wanted to be accepted. For who i am. Who am i? For some reason, acceptance for the way i am is never good enough. This one person in my life is always trying to make me better. Why can't i just be myself?
No two people are exactly the same. However, i feel that i have a clone. Although we are of different gender, we are the same. This bothers me. My trials are different than his.
I am so grateful for the sweet guys that have liked me with or without hair. I feel like i am not worth their time, therefore i ignore them and our relationship ends. I feel that i shouldn't be liked. Boys shouldn't like girls who look like boys. This has always been my excuse. Boys have to like bald girls for who they are, but if i don't know who i am how do they know who i am? How can they like a girl who nobody knows who she really is?
old friends, they DON'T know me. They don't know the person i have become. I am not who i was. I am uncomfortable everyday when i don't wear hair, when i do wear it, I can't be myself, I can't be who i was.
Not much has changed since I wrote this. I am getting better at looking people in the eyes when I talk to them. I feel like if you look me in the eyes you see a different part of me, and I see a different part of you. For awhile I was ok being bald but I dont really know what I am. I feel like no one could or will ever be able to love me unless they love me without hair first.. I don't want comments. I just need to get it off my chest. Today was an "okay" day.
